30 days down, 70 to go

Where it all began… The awesome-ness of fear. We’re one month in.

1. I held the dirty degu. I’m scared of rodents.

 2. I swam alone in deep dark unknown waters 1,900km from home. Jumping into unfamiliar lakes scares me, especially when you can’t see what’s below you.

3. I spent the night in a dark empty parking lot alone (not by choice – this guy’s a real asshole!) I’m scared of being alone in sketchy parking lots that resemble all those I’ve seen in slasher films and thrillers that involve young women. My road trip was a bust. I also stood up for myself and let him know what a fuck up he is. I flew home from Halifax.
Got a cool picture out of the road trip…

 4. Hung out at a graveyard around midnight for a vampire inspired photo shoot. I know, in retrospect it sounds ridiculous!! I still feel bad about all the spilled wax… It’s becoming clear, I may be afraid of the dark. Maybe it’s just dark open spaces (ie. graveyards, parking lots, open water?!). Whatever, maybe if I do it enough I’ll get over this fear!

5. Rode a motorcycle for the first time ever. I’m scared of falling off and tearing all my skin off by way of asphalt. Aren’t you?!

6. Watched a cat tear apart a baby mouse. Again, I’m scared of rodents, EVEN IF they’re being maimed.

7. Signed up for my first 10km run and a ghost run at that. Scared of doing new things and races?! Did I mention you also have to dress up for this Halloween run? Being embarrassed can be horrifying. We’ll see how it goes.

8. Gave blood. Does anyone love needles?! I mean aside from crack addicts and even them, I bet they’re not WILD on the idea. Check out my cousin’s letter –HERE–

9. 9/9/9 Day one of learning how to spin. Learning new things is scary. Being vulnerable because you might suck is a scary thing. 6/6/6 is a bit cooler, don’t you agree?!

10. Day one of a photography class. Being a hobby of mine and also a private love of mine it’s hard to allow that bubble to be pierced to enable myself to be open to new ideas, meeting new people and admitting you can still learn a few things.

11. Dating the nice guy. It’s been decided, by moi, that girls date jerks out of self preservation and we’re afraid of rejection… so I went on a few dates with “the nice guy.”

12. I was honest. Dating, especially in the early stages, can often be quite contrived, so I threw that notion to the wind and was completely honest. Turns out that that’s okay and people don’t run screaming.

13. Lingerie shopping. The idea turns my stomach upside-down.

14. Watched Night of the Living Dead by myself, in the dark. I know, I’m dumb (and didn’t sleep that night).

15. Ran in the dark. It is official; I’m scared of the dark.

16. Asked complete strangers for money. I’m scared a) to ask strangers for money and, b) of rejection.

17. Shared my blog with a lot of acquaintances. The idea makes me a little more than anxious.

18. Faced B.H.B. (Big Hairy Bill). Big hairy men scare me.

 19. Rock climbed sans harness. Again, probably another bad decision, but far too much fun to pass up.

20. No makeup. This might not be my biggest fear by any means but makeup is most definitely a safety blanket for me.

21. Joined a new beach volleyball team called Russ & His Band of Gypsies. New teams, new people, and new adventures can be a bit overwhelming.

22. Talking about being single – firmly stating that it is not scary, nor should you even think that it might be.

23. Went to the chiropractor. Euugh… yes, having someone crack my neck makes me a bit uneasy. Turns out it’s addictive. Perhaps I should rethink tattoos.

24. Questioned an old man’s rude remark. I know we’re supposed to respect our elders, but I’m pretty sure sexism isn’t cool either so I called the strange old man out on his shit talk.

25. Portrait photography. You have to get up in their business if you want a good shot and that makes me a bit nervous. I’d have to say I’m inclined to more personal space than most. The same day I went for a rollerblade (I’m no expert) and was frightened my life was about to end because I failed to realize there’s quite a sharp turn at the end of the steep hill that takes you to a boardwalk along the water. Close call!

 26. Openly conversed with a complete stranger. I have no problem listening to strangers; it’s me sharing with them that puts me on edge. So I had my first balanced conversation.

27. Did a tarot card reading. Not much for witch craft or self-reflective tests. I’m apprehensive about them so I threw those worries away. Unfortunately, I really didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know.

28. Listened to my inner voice. I’m very much someone who lives in the moment but I’m often caught up in a lot of shit that could really be put to the side for a moment. Today I was quiet. I ran and did yoga and slowed down. It’s not always easy to be still. The idea in itself can make me a bit panic-y.

29. Went to Time Square all on my own today. I dread busy places and even more than that….tourists.

 30. Finally said out loud what’s most often on my mind and what most often consumes me. Airing things out does nothing but good. You can’t hold it in forever.

So, has my life been completely changed? Have I expanded as a person yet (assuming this will bring about change)?! It seems funny; I’m a bit torn at this point. Half of me thinks 30 days is a really long time to keep up on this challenge, and the other half of me thinks 30 days is nothing and surely it’s here that it will start to get tough.

Challenges have been relatively simple endeavours thus far and perhaps that’s something I’ll step up in the month of October. I’ll try to be more reflective and I’ll try to speak more to the fear of  others as well. Although I feel I’m doing this blindly, I am learning as I go, as so many of us do. I hope as I stumble along, if nothing else, that I will find moments that startle me and times that I surprise myself.

Now go face a fear; do something that scares you!