Tag Archives: NYC

Give a guy some money, honey!

I’m one who would rather blend into my surroundings, prefers to be behind the camera, and most definitely prefers as little confrontation as possible (unless you’re seriously out of line, then you can guarantee I’ll call you on your shit). Preferring the background has finally come ’round to kick me in the ass.

In a busy city it seems perfectly normal to keep to yourself and go about your business without a second thought for whomever you may pass along the way. Being a country girl at heart who has come to love the city, I find it hard to direct my moral compass and find the perfect balance. On the shuttle from Grand Central to 42nd Bryant Park there was a homeless man singing his story. I heard his every word, made eye contact with this man and he affected me. I wanted to give this man money. I don’t believe there should ever be a moment of panic or even a moment of self questioning when a homeless person asks you for money when you can afford to give it. I know it’s simpler to give than to regret it and then be plagued with guilt for some time after.

So, if these are my sentiments towards the whole thing, why on earth was it so hard for me to give this man money on the shuttle? It’s because I was terribly aware of all the people on that shuttle that purposely looked down and purposely chose not to give. I was worried about what these people would think of me if I stood up to give this man who was less fortunate than me some money. I was worried about rocking the boat and I was worried about drawing attention to myself. I was scared. There it was. My daily moment presented itself and there I was left to make the decision.

I gave this man money, but what was it that made me so anxious about the whole thing? Who cares what other people think? Will this feeling pass if I push through those uncomfortable moments enough? Will the fear subside every time I take action? It seems like those moments of inactivity allows for fear to creep in. Perhaps I should quit thinking so damn much and start doing whatever it might be that I’m passionate about. The more reserved I am, the more fearful I become so I’m going to start kicking inactivity’s ass and throw that right out the window!

Now go face a fear; do something that scares you!

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Grab life by the horns… I really thought I was

Fresh from what was a truly an outstanding two weeks in New York. That city is all they say it is and gets better with every visit! The entire trip was quite the intimidating undertaking. You see, I’m in this state of flux; the one that comes after you’ve received your degree, the one that comes when you’re paying off student loans, and the one that comes when you’re living back with your parents that you now call “roomies”…  God I miss student life. I’m past the stage of “trying to find myself” and now find myself at the point of “trying to find what I want to do with my life”.

So what does that mean?! It means I dabble in anything and everything, seem to spread myself thin, and travel any chance I get. Have I found that one thing? Have I found what life is calling me to do? Mmm, let’s just get real for a moment. The world is not calling us to do one single thing. I mean that’s a perfectly nice idea, a very nice one indeed, but by no means is it something people should be holding their breath for! So, I really don’t know what I’m waiting for. I catch myself in moments referring to when things begin, or when I’m living the life I want, but what is it that I’m currently living?? Some kind of in between, not really real, state of flux kind of life that currently doesn’t count?? Is that what this is? Not to worry, I haven’t completely lost it. I suppose I’m just trying to find a bit of stability in the very fragmented situation I find myself in.

I haven’t found the simple answer to what it is I do as of late… Seems people want a simple answer and unfortunately I don’t have one and even more unfortunately no one cares for more than a simple answer. This makes me a bit anxious, but why?

Why do I give a shit about what others think and why do we equate our worth with what it is we do for a living? I’m trying to shake this and happily continue with the many jobs I hold but find it increasingly difficult with every person that isn’t patient enough to listen to my various goings-on that have no simple explanation. It’s a bit daunting to even admit it. 

Embarking on month two of doing things that scare me has been an interesting start. NY provided me moments of self-doubt, moments of self-examination (scary in itself), and most importantly these autonomous moments that were solidified with countless hours of self-reflection and chats with my aunt, so all in all it was most definitely a trip worth while and a trip that has made me very excited for what day 40 of 100 will bring.

Promise to share these specific moments just as soon as I find the right words to describe my embarrassing moments and the humility I gained while facing my fears in NYC.

Now go face a fear; do something that scares you!

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